I Am Who I Am

This week I continue on from last week where I looked at my emerging awareness of the necessity of finding and living out of my True Identity in Christ. I said that I am discovering that I am not who I thought I was. In the first half of my life I had taken on a ‘social identity' and believed that was who I was. However, the process of transformation I am undergoing is revealing that this social identity I had embraced was actually an illusion. It was a false perception of reality. This social identity was a False Self that I had become trapped in- a type of prison. It needed something extraneous and drastic to impact on me in order to both set me free and open my eyes to perceive a new reality. The ‘Jonah experience’ that I went through was very difficult and painful, but necessary; because without it I would not have been able to see and experience what I do know. It has set me on a new path of discovering and living out of the reality of my True Self in Christ.

In the past eighteen months I have been intensely reflecting on my life journey; and especially my spiritual journey which has been an integral part of it. One of my spiritual mentors was fond of saying that an unreflected life is not worth living; and I sincerely agree. Looking back has given me insight and perspective on what has happened through the course of this journey; which at any one time I was blind to see, because I was so caught up in the events.

This has taken me back to a time some twenty five years ago when I decided to take my relationship with and commitment to God to another level. At that stage I had been involved in an Ignatian lay Christian contemplative community for about four years. This was called Christian Life Communities (CLC).The director of CLC asked me to consider working full-time as a field worker, travelling around the Eastern Cape to encourage and facilitate the spiritual formation of the members of the groups that had been established there. I felt that the Lord was calling me to respond positively to this; and so I did. When I began this work I asked the director what my job description was. His reply was: “Be yourself!” That was it; my primary job description. My initial response was that this was great; there was no pressure to perform within a particular mould.

It did not take me long to realize two things however. The first was that I did not fully understand what the director meant by saying that I must ‘be myself’. It was something of a mystery to me what that actually meant in practice. The second thing followed on from this: I did not know who I was. After nine months of wrestling with this I came to see that I was in fact a spiritual clone of the director; who had been my mentor and role model. I had unconsciously taken on his spiritual identity as my own. I did not know who "I” really was. I could therefore not fulfil my mandate of being myself. There was a lack of awareness of my own spiritual identity; and therefore I did not possess secure inner consciousness of my own spiritual authority. I might have known it on an intellectual head level; having a theological understanding of being ‘in Christ’, and the priesthood of all believers. Yet I did not have it at a heart level, within the depths of my being. Something was missing; there was a void within my soul. I could therefore not, with any integrity, continue working as a field worker. I duly resigned.

This led to me finding myself in a spiritual desert of sorts. I began a long period of what can only be called my own ‘dark night of the soul’. This lasted around twenty years. I continued to attend church and never lost my faith in God, but I dropped out of any leadership or serious role in the church. The previous deep intimacy that I had known with God vanished like mist does when the baking sun rises far above the horizon. I found myself in a parched land without water, desperately wanting my thirst to be quenched. I had to wait a long, long, long time for it to happen; but it finally did.

During those dark, arid years my life went on. I initially worked as a joiner/ cabinet-maker; and then started my own joinery business, doing wood work. I found it interesting, engaging and satisfying. Running a business was challenging and stretched me in different ways. It led to personal growth and development on many fronts.

Whilst this was taking place I also began a family. I married Sharon (and her son Euan.) After the three of us got to know each other we had another son, Kyle, a couple of years later. The focus of my attention switched towards my wife and two sons. Between raising my family and running my business my hands were well and truly full. Through these two anchors in my life I began to develop a sense of my identity. This identity was ultimately rooted in the concrete realities of my family and my business.

My business was doing reasonably well, and apart from the usual struggles common to all families, so was my family. I settled into a comfortable state of complacency; secure in what I had, and what I had achieved. This led to a newfound, secure, sense of identity. To me, all was well. The problem was that my Loving Heavenly Father had other ideas. I now recognize with hindsight that to him all was not well. When he looked at me he saw that I was trapped in a False Identity; which was rooted in a false reality. Despite being oblivious to it, I was living a half-life and not the “fullness of life” that Jesus died on the Cross to secure for me. I was selling myself short by living with the illusion that what I had was the full package. I was in fact running away from reality in the same way that Jonah had run away from it so long ago. My True Father was doing me a massive favour when he sent the great fish to swallow me in the guise of a heart attack.

When I ended up out of control and flat on my back in ICU what I experienced was neither pain nor panic. Instead, I found myself once more being embraced by the True Father I had run away from for all those years I spent hiding in the desert. I experienced deep inner peace and contentment. The light of his presence chased away my inner darkness; and my desperate thirst was finally satisfied. Not only that, I began to realize at a heart level who I really am. I am the son of my True Father, who loved me into being.  I know that my True Identity is rooted and grounded in my relationship with my Heavenly Father; and nothing else. Everything else is illusion and unreality.

Questions for reflection:

·         Do you know who you really are?

·         Are you secure in your identity?

·         What is your identity rooted in?

 

 

Finding My True Identity

In this blog post I continue looking at what I have personally learned from the Jonah story. We saw that the meaning of Jonah’s name was ‘Dove’, yet his social group had moulded him to be a hawk. He was living according to the truth that he had received from his father Amittai (whose name meant ‘Truth’). His true spiritual Father, who gave birth to the whole creation, was calling him to see a greater, more expansive truth. This truth was that the ‘Blessings of God’ were available to all the people on earth, even the enemies of his Jewish social group. He was also leading Jonah to recognize and embrace his true identity which was a reflection of his name. I previously mentioned that in Scripture the name of a person often referred to their identity. Yet, Jonah resisted both extending the blessing of God beyond his social group and embracing the reality of his true identity.

What I have been confronted by in this time of transformation that I have been through in the last six years is that I did not know who I really am. I (like every other person) have been created, as Scripture tells us, ‘in the Image of God’ (Genesis 1:26-27). At the core of my being I am therefore a unique reflection of God. However, I did not know what this unique refection is. Like Jonah I had taken on a perception of who I was which accorded with what my social conditioning made me believe I was. My perception of my identity was a reflection of my place within my social group. This was in terms of various overall criteria such as nationality, class, language group, race (especially in South Africa), gender etc. More specifically it had to do with my education level and my perceived gifts and talents. All these factors impacted on my performance and level of achievement in terms of what my society valued as being desirable. In my society success was primarily valued in terms of accumulating wealth (and conspicuous consumption); gaining status (along with status symbols); and exercising power. My perception of my identity was therefore related to these factors; and the degree to which I measured up according to them. They were the external criteria of success and achievement. Especially as a man they were the measure of whether or not I was ‘enough of a man’. This identity I took on I call my ‘social identity,’ because it was rooted in my social situation.

The Christian Church has rightly taught through the centuries the Biblical truth that because of the sin of Adam we his descendents were cut off from relationship with God. Jesus died in order to redeem us from that reality and restore our relationship with God; and this enabled us to become adopted sons and daughters of our True Heavenly Father. This radically changes our status, from being slaves to sin and under the dominion of the ‘Prince of this World’ (Satan), to being members of the family of our True Father, and under his authority.

The Church has however neglected to emphasize the fact that not only are we cut off from our heavenly Father, we are also cut off from our True Self; that part of us that is created in the image of God. There has been a tendency to focus on the sinfulness and depravity of mankind to the exclusion of the reality that we are created in the image of God. This was taken to great height during the Protestant Reformation, especially within Calvinism. If people are constantly told: “You are bad, rotten to the core!” then they end up believing it. It tragically gives them a distorted perception of reality. They fail to recognize the image of God within them.

It has been largely left to the mystics of the Christian Church to retain the reality of the necessity of being re-united with both God and our True Self. They have safe- guarded this reality from being lost. Our True Self is who God created us to be at the core of our being. It is imprinted within us from birth, in the same way that our genetic coding is imprinted within our DNA. This is the basis of our True Identity, which is rooted in our relationship with our True Father. I have had to come to a place of seeing that my true identity is not the ‘social identity’ I took on by virtue of my place within my social group; and my achievements in that context. That was a very conditional identity, which was based on my social heritage and performance. This initial identity that I took on was in fact a ‘False Identity’. This was a distorted perception of reality - an illusion. I am not who I thought I was. This illusory false identity was the persona (or mask) that I hid behind to play out the drama of the first half of my life. It took the ‘Jonah experience’ that I have described in this blog to enable me to begin to recognize a higher and more expansive reality.  It was a difficult and painful experience, but without it I would still be trapped within my false identity.

The problem with our illusions is that they are much like prisons; we become trapped within them and cannot escape without something extraneous impacting on us. What I have come to see is that ultimately this is a spiritual condition. We have an adversary whose mission is to hurt and destroy us; and keep us under his control. Scripture tells us that our adversary is a liar and the father of lies. He is also a master salesman. It is he who sells us the lie that our social identity is our only identity; and as soon as we buy that lie we become trapped in a false identity. We therefore become cut off from our true identity. Satan aims to keep us in that state of illusion, because it separates us from coming to know the “fullness of life” that Jesus died in order for us to receive. Only in coming to know and embracing our True Self can we find our True Identity. This identity is not conditional and dependent on our heritage and performance; but unconditional. We just have to receive it as a free gift from a loving Father. This is a transcendent identity, rooted in our True Heavenly Father and not in society.

This sounds so simple and obvious. However, in my experience there are few people who I have met within the Christian Church who seem to live out of this reality. They accept their salvation that Jesus bought as a ransom by giving his life for theirs, but then soon slip into an ‘Elder Brother’ mentality of joyless labour trying to earn their Fathers love. They are also still trapped in the reality of their false self that they have been conditioned by their society since young to adopt as being their only self. Living out of the reality of our True Identity does not come easily; and requires nothing less than the power of the Holy Spirit; and going through an experience similar to what Jonah went through, of being swallowed by a fish; in whatever guise the Lord chooses to send it.

Questions for reflection;

·         How do you respond to what I have written?

·         Are you living out of your True Identity?

·         Is this something that you want?

Seeing Through New Glasses

This week I continue to look at what I have personally learned from the Jonah story. I previously wrote about the fact that Jonah perceived the world in terms of the ‘truth’ that he received from his father, who mediated the perception of reality held by his social group.  This group perception of reality can be likened to him wearing a pair of glasses, the lenses of which refract what he sees in a particular way. I call this the ‘group consciousness’ of his social group; in his case the Jewish community that had been dominated and held in subjection by the Assyrians.

The lenses of the glasses of ‘group consciousness’ tend to have two intrinsic flaws: they lead to both myopia (short sightedness) and tunnel vision (seeing only a narrow band of reality). In the first instance, it focuses only on the perceived group needs of the present moment. Groups want their present aspirations and needs met, regardless of the consequences for future generations. We need look no further than the ecological disaster waiting to happen that confronts us at present. Secondly, they focus only on their own aspirations and needs, and disregard those of other groups. In the Jonah story the Jewish community that Jonah was a member of looked at the Assyrians with animosity, hatred and fear.

God called Jonah to go to Nineveh, the capital city of Assyria, and call them to repentance so that they would be saved from destruction. By doing this Jonah would be instrumental in extending the ‘Blessing of God’ to the enemies of Jonah’s social group. As depicted in the Jonah story he resisted this and ran away. By being swallowed by the fish and having a near-death experience he underwent a transformation in attitude from resistance to compliance. God was calling Jonah to put on a new pair of glasses, which had different lenses. These lenses would refract what he saw before him in a new way. He would see things more closely to the way that God sees them. These glasses would correct the flaws in the glasses of group consciousness that he had been wearing. He would be enabled by them to begin to see further ahead, into the future; and perceive a new, different reality. He would also begin to perceive a broader reality, one which encompasses the future of other social groups besides his own. He would be set free to recognize that the grace of God is not just confined to the wellbeing of his own particular group, but to others as well.

 I have come to recognize how hard this is for me to embrace. I too, like Jonah, have been trapped in the group consciousness of my own social group. I am a ‘white’ native of South Africa, who was born and raised during the dark days of Apartheid. Growing up in this social climate I naturally took on the group consciousness of my social group. My social reality in South Africa was different from that of Jonah and his Jewish social group during the time that he lived. In my context I was part of a minority ‘white’ group that dominated and held in subjection a majority ‘black’ social group. Due to the fact that they were in the minority the white overlords viewed the black majority with suspicion, animosity and fear.

 In South Africa race was used as a criterion to classify and separate the inhabitants into different groups. These race groups were forcibly moved into separate areas and legal restrictions were placed on the way they interacted with each other. It was a horrendous exercise of social engineering. It was an artificially created reality. The principle of ‘divide and conquer’ was being implemented. Each of these groups then took on the group consciousness of their particular race group and saw reality through the lenses of those glasses. The vested interests of the race group then became paramount. Adding to this situation, the black majority were divided into different tribal groups, creating fragmentation and fostering tribal rivalries. The interests of the tribe and getting as much as they could then became important. The model facilitated the interests of the groups becoming more and more myopic, localised and exclusive.

However, history bears testimony to the fact that the exercise in social engineering was unsuccessful and eventually collapsed. As we well know Nelson Mandela was released from prison in 1990 and the system of Apartheid was dismantled. A new democratic era began in 1994 with the election of a democratic government. The country moved into an era of hope and promise, especially for those who had been excluded from the freedom and opportunity that the white minority had enjoyed. The challenge for each of the previously segregated communities was to discard the glasses of group consciousness that they had been using and put on new ones. They had to start using glasses with lenses that that had a more expansive, inclusive vision. This was the vision of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who spoke about moving from seeing ourselves as being different, separate, colours in opposition to each other; to seeing ourselves as being part of a Rainbow Nation with a common hope and destiny. Fast forward to the present, the questions that confront me is to what extent has this been my personal experience; and how do I see this being realized in South Africa as a whole?

The short answer is that there has been some movement, but also many hindrances and setbacks; both within myself and the country. Like Jonah, most individuals (including myself) and probably all groups have resisted and tried to run away from changing their previous perceptions of reality. Old habits (including perceptions of reality), as they say, die hard. As I saw in the Jonah story it took a near –death experience to shake him out of his resistance to change. I am praying that the Lord will change my stone heart to accept and embrace a different perception of reality. This includes a change of circumstances that will extend the ‘Blessing of God’ to all in our nation.

 My hope and prayer is that the many opposing groups in our nation will choose to change their respective group consciousnesses to open them up to change as well. As I try and feel the pulse of our nation there appears to be a quickening of pulse rates, along with a perceptible hardening of group hearts. I pray that the entrenched antagonisms, hatred and fear can be healed and defused before they lead us down the horrible road of violence; yet again.

Questions for reflection:

·         Are you aware of the glasses and lenses that you see through?

·         Are you open to change the way you see?

·         Is the Lord inviting you to see things differently?

I Can Run but I Can’t Hide

For the last nine weeks I have been looking at various aspects of the Jonah story and the process of transformation that he went through. In this post I turn my attention to express some of the things I have personally learnt from this story and the process that I have been through.

The first thing I have seen is that when I am dealing with the Living God I can run but I can’t hide. Somewhere, sometime, when I least expect it, there is a great fish (in whatever guise) waiting to swallow me. Despite my initial sense when this happens that this is a tragedy, it turns out to be a blessing in disguise. I have a True Father who is watching over me and calling me to life and not death; even though what I am experiencing at the time might feel like death. It is in fact a death of sorts, but a necessary death. Something which is crippling me, or holding me in bondage has to die.

The older I get the more I realize that following the path of spiritual truth is like walking a tight rope. It is, as Jesus said, a narrow way. It is a balancing act with error on either side. It is easy to be swayed by prevailing winds to lean to either side and fall into compromising the truth of the Gospel of Christ. I have to constantly keep my eyes firmly fixed on Christ and follow where the Spirit leads me, one step at a time. Not looking down, nor running ahead or turning back to retreat to where I felt more comfortable. The more I do it, it the more practiced I become; more confident and assured that I can do greater things than I ever believed possible. I have to allow what I read in Scripture to move from my head to my heart; and embrace the reality that the same Spirit that raised Jesus from death is living in me; and wants to do the same in me if I choose to allow it. ‘Choose’ is the operative word. The Lord of Life does not force life upon me, but invites me to choose it. In the Hebrew Torah the Lord told the Israelites that God set before them both life and death; and encouraged them to choose life.

There are two great myths which are held by contemporary Western culture. The first is that we are free to choose to be who we are and our own life path without reference to a higher reality. There is a common –held belief that we must be ‘independent’; and ‘individualism’ is aspired to. We are encouraged to aspire towards ‘self actualization’ (the ideal state in terms of the pyramid model of Maslow). This has become a taken-for –granted value of our society. There is an inherent notion in this that we can be sufficient in ourselves without reference to other people or a higher reality.

The second is that what we choose in the first instance does not have consequences.  A cornerstone of ‘democracy’ is freedom to choose. The problem is that often my free choices impinge on the lives and freedom of other people. Another problem is that the choices I make can be at odds with the ‘Big Picture’ of the One who brought everything, including me, into being.

 Using the tight-rope metaphor there is both truth and fallacy to be found here. In terms of finding and actualizing my ‘self’ I have come to see that the truth is a very narrow path. It is imperative to discover and live into my ‘self’, but how I do so is different from the popular conception. Who I thought I was in the first part of my life was not who I really am. My attempts at ‘self actualization’ were therefore aimed at actualizing a ‘false self’. The experience of ‘death’ that I have gone through, which I have written about in my previous blog posts, has in fact resulted in the progressive death of this ‘false self’. This is by no means saying that this process is complete; it never will be on this side of the grave. It has set me free to discover the reality of my ‘true self’. This is the self that has always been within me but I was cut off from it. It is that part of me which is created in the ‘image of God’. Discovering and living into that reality is my true calling in life. I can only do this to the degree that I am in right relationship with the Lord. This makes experiencing the reality of my ‘true self’ possible; but I also need  the help of the Holy Spirit who lives within me to enable me to do so.

The consequence of trying to live an independent life without reference to God is that we become cut off from the ‘presence of God’, the source of life. This is the experience of Jonah which is depicted in the second chapter of the Book of Jonah. By running away he found himself cut off from God. He was confronted by the ‘land of the dead’ (Sheol). Turning my back on God and trying to run away had the effect of cutting me off from the presence of God. I had to experience that myself in order to realize what it feels like. It is a desolate place indeed. I came to see that ‘hell’ is foremost a ‘state of being’ rather than a place.

 Jonah’s response was: “When I had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts once more to the Lord.” I too had to ‘hit rock bottom’ before I turned once more to the source of life. I had, like Jonah, “turned my back on God’s mercies” (Jonah 2:8). I came to recognize, as he did, that my salvation comes from God alone. Only by choosing life can I enjoy life.

Questions for reflection:

·         Have you also run away from the Lord?

·         Are you cut off from the presence of God?

·         Do you recognize that salvation comes from God alone?

Entering into the River of Life

In my previous blog I looked at how the Jonah story foreshadowed the ‘Baptism in the Holy Spirit’ that was given in the second chapter of Acts. I also said that this was not just a once off event but was the beginning of a process of transformation. I furthermore stated that the events of the New Testament could only be fully understood with reference to what was revealed in the Old Testament. While trying to understand this process of transformation I was drawn to look at a revelation that the prophet Ezekiel was given regarding a River of Life which flowed from the Temple of God.  

The wider context of the vision of the River of Life which is depicted in Ezekiel Ch 47 is that Ezekiel was given a vision from God of a city in the land of Israel (Ezekiel Ch 40-46); and he encountered an angelic being in the form of a man. This man whose face “shone like bronze”, told him to pay close attention to all that he showed him and then return to the people of Israel and tell them everything that he had seen. He held a measuring tape and measuring rod in his hand.

The angel showed him around a very large area, like a city, which was enclosed by a high, thick wall. Inside of this was an outer courtyard around a walled inner courtyard. Within this courtyard was the Temple. The angel gave him a tour of these areas, pointing out different features and told him what each of them was for. As they went he measured them and made Ezekiel aware of their measurements. On each of the four walls of the two enclosures were gates. Three of them were accessible by the people; but were guarded. The Temple had double doors accessible to the people on three of its four sides. Inside the Temple was a Holy Place; but within that was an inside room which was the Most Holy place. Many different functional things are documented; as well as details of wooden panelling inside the Temple, and decorative carvings.  

 Ezekiel was shown the Altar that was situated within the Most Holy Place and was told that this “is the table that stands in the Lord’s presence” (41:22). Details of the necessary sacrifices in the form of sin and peace offerings were given. Ezekiel was given a vision of the glory of the Lord coming into the Temple through the east gateway. Because God had entered the Temple through this east side it was not accessible to the people.Ezekiel said that: “The sound of his coming was like the roar of rushing waters, and the whole landscape shone with his glory” (42:2). His appropriate response was to fall down before the Lord with his face in the dust. Ezekiel was then taken into the inner courtyard and the Lord spoke to him and said that this would be the place of his throne and the place where he would live among the people of Israel forever. They would no longer defile his holy name by their adulterous worship of other gods. He was told to describe to the people of Israel the Temple that he saw; its appearance and its plan, so that they would be ashamed of their sins. He needed to write down and give them the detailed specifications that were measured out for him by the angel so that the people would be able to remember them. The Lord emphasised that the basic law of the Temple was absolute holiness.  

The picture of the Temple given here was an ideal one, yet still within the context of the Law of Moses, requiring constant blood sacrifices. It fell far short of the image we are given In Revelations, where there is no Temple as such and goes beyond these blood sacrifices; because Jesus was sacrificed once for all.

Against this backdrop Ezekiel was given a vision of a stream flowing eastward from beneath the Temple threshold (Ezekiel 47: 1-12).This is the same side from which the glory of the Lord entered the Temple. The angel led Ezekiel around the outside of the wall to the east gateway through which the river flowed, but then turned south. The angel measured out 530 metres (1000 cubits) and then told Ezekiel to go across the water. He found that the water was ankle deep. After measuring another 530 m he was again told to cross; whereupon he saw that the water was now knee deep. This was repeated after another 530m and the water level was now waist high. After a further 530m the river was too deep to cross without swimming.

The angel told Ezekiel to be aware of what he sees. As he was led back along the river he noticed, to his surprise, that there were now many trees growing on both sides of the river. He was told that the river flowed east through the desert into the Jordan Valley, where it entered the Dead Sea. The waters of the river would heal the salty water of the Dead Sea and make it fresh and clean. Everything that touched this water would live. Fish would abound in the previously salty water of the Dead Sea. [At present the Dead Sea has a salt concentration of 25%, four times that of ocean water. The magnesium bromide it contains prevents organic life.]All kinds of fruit trees would grow along the banks of the river. They would be evergreen and provide a new crop of fruit every month. The fruit would be for food and the leaves for healing.

The first thing that struck me was that the water that came from the Temple of God was life-giving and a source of healing. It transformed everything it touched. It also produced trees on its banks which were sources of abundance and fruitfulness. The fruit was constantly available and was good for food, which sustained life. The leaves of the trees were good for healing. It does not specify what type of healing; therefore one is left feeling it must be for holistic healing of every aspect of a person.

My second awareness was that this picture of the river was one of increasingly greater depth as one moved along its length. If Baptism is a picture of being immersed in water (as Jonah was immersed in the sea) then this is a picture of a progressive immersion in that water of life. As one initially entered the water it was only ankle deep. The further one walked down its length the depth became greater: knee deep, waist deep and then one had to start swimming. The water level was then above one’s head. At this point one was no longer in control. One could only swim for so long and then had to give up and surrender to the flow of the river. A person would have to float and trust that the river would take them where they needed to go.  This was in the same way that the great fish delivered Jonah to the right shore to journey onward to Nineveh.

Questions for reflection:

·         Have you experienced this River of Life?

·         If you have, how far down its length are you?

·         Can you surrender yourself  to its flow?