Our False Self

In my previous post I wrote about the necessity of fighting for freedom in order to find and live out of the reality of our ‘True Self’. In this post I will consider how our ‘False Self’ emerges. This comes about at the time when we start developing consciousness (around the age of seven).My previous post painted a picture of how when a child is wounded those painful experiences are split off from their conscious awareness and become buried in their unconscious. When as children we develop consciousness a different strategy is used to protect our self from the emotional pain experienced when we are wounded. In order to protect ourselves from our multiple wounds we develop ‘defense mechanisms’ to protect ourselves from further pain. These are meant to protect our True Self. We build a defensive wall of these defense mechanisms. Over time these become thicker and stronger; until they are virtually an impregnable wall. The problem is that instead of protecting us these walls become an effective prison.

In time this defensive wall becomes the only reality we know; because our attention is focused on building it. The problem is that because building the protective wall is our primary focus we come to think that is who we are. It becomes what is known as our ‘False Self’. There is a misperception that our False Self is synonymous with our ego. It is related to our ego, but is not exactly the same thing. Our ego is a functional system that we cannot function without. Our False Self tries to protect our ego by using ‘ego defense mechanisms’. Our False Self is more closely associated with these ‘ego defense mechanisms’: it is probably the sum total of them. It is apparent that our False Self is a distorted perception of who we are.  The thicker and stronger the wall that our False Self becomes; the more removed and alienated we are from our True Self. The reality is that as we get older we forget who we are. 

A useful understanding for me is the conception of contemplative prayer that they had in the Medieval Church. It was understood to be prayer of ‘recollection’. Now recollection has two aspects to it. The first is to:   ‘remember’. We have to remember who we are. It entails getting in touch with our True Self that we have become alienated from and forgotten. The wall that our False Self has built prevents us from accessing the reality of our True Self. The wall has to be dismantled for this to happen. This is achieved in and through contemplative prayer.

The second is to:  ‘re-collect’. Due to the splitting process that has been spoken about there are many ‘splits’ that have taken place within us over time. This has led to inner fragmentation taking place. The movement is towards reconciling these inner splits and bringing the pieces together. It is a process of inner integration. Through this we come to wholeness.

It has taken me a long time to recognize that in order to find and embrace our True Self we have to deal with the pain of our wounds. This is because our True Self is hidden beneath our wounds. I have come to believe that our True Self is in effect the flip side of our primary Father Wound. As we saw in a previous post our Adversary uses our father to wound us at the exact place where our True Self is to be found. Our True Self is the other side of the coin that is our Father Wound. Our wounds are therefore the doorway to our True Self. There is no other way in which we can access it. To use the words of Al Gore, this is an ‘inconvenient truth’.

Richard Rohr says that our wounds are our teachers; and that we must not get rid of our wounds until we have learnt what it is that they are teaching us. Another significant mentor, Sr Deirdre, told me that our wounds are important because it is our wounds that lead us to God (they lead us to our True Self at the same time). It necessarily means dealing with the pain of our buried hurts. This is especially true of our primary Father Wound. I believe that this wound is the key to our healing and deliverance. Yet facing this wound is very difficult and painfull. We have to literally fight for our freedom. There is no other way; or short cut.

[This understanding is at odds with the normal perception of the ‘Good News’ of salvation that the Church puts forward. In this understanding if we come to Jesus there is a perception that you will no longer experience pain or struggle. Jesus has died for us and taken it all away. We are not supposed to struggle.]  

In order to take hold of our True Self we have to let go of our False Self. After living out of the reality that our False Self is who we are for so long, this is very difficult and painfull. In fact when we let go of our False Self it feels as though we are dying. We are in fact dying, but only the False Self dies. And it is not who we actually are.

 Jesus said that in order to find yourself you have to lose yourself. He also said that unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it cannot come to newness of life and bring forth a bountiful crop. I believe he was speaking about letting go of our False Self and taking hold of our True Self.

The reality is that because we are so attached to our False Self and perceive it to be who we are, letting go of it is extremely difficult. Another factor is that if we decide to allow our False Self to die we cannot choose to manufacture our own demise; or it will merely be an ‘ego-project’. Something external has to impact upon us and bring this about. If we are in control of what happens then it is not an authentic process. It will still enable us to hold on to our False Self that we are deluded into thinking is our True Self. I will discuss this in my next post.

Questions for reflection;

·         Are you in touch with the reality of your False Self?

·         Have you confronted your primary wounds?

·         How have you dealt with the pain?